Tom: if your ears have been burning in the last year, it might have been me calling you a motherf@#ker
Ben writes:
"As a backdrop to these experiences, I have watched the magical rapport videos at least 5 times, and I have watched the advanced rapport videos a couple of times as well (I haven’t played with the advanced drills very much, as I’m still not certain where I stand with the basics). Also, several times this year and last year, I have gone out and done the 5 second rapport drills. Sometimes I would do them with almost every person I would walk past for days on end. Every time I attempted to do the rapport drill and then strike up a conversation, though, it would either go somewhat poorly, or it would just seem like any other day to day interaction…not very magical (note for Tom: if your ears have been burning in the last year, it might have been me calling you a motherf@#ker because I couldn’t the rapport to work the way I thought it should… sorry ;^). So I had temporarily given up on the magical rapport.
What do you think, Tom. Was I f@#king myself by holding expectations, when I did the rapport exercises previously (not really time for expectations in these examples)? Or was it trying to do the process too consciously (rather than letting my unconscious/other than conscious mind do the work) that lead to poor results in the past?"
The Magical Rapport Stuff is our most popular product.
Whenever I troubleshoot people using the rapport stuff the first thing I ask is what state they are in when they are doing the drill. I agree with Etienne. You have to have a neutral state of observation and curiosity.
What screws people up is states like uncertainty or desperation. I have also seen it get screwed up by people who use it with the agenda to control other people.
Let me tell you a little secret. Your state will dictate your success. The reason we say to do the Five Second Drills (FSD) for only 15 minutes at a time is because it is so draining. After that amount of time you are just reinforcing the crap results you are getting because you are tired.
Listen to direction and do the FSDs again. If you are tired, skip them. If you are in a crap mood, skip them. If you have to piss, piss first and then do them.
The more you practice in good productive states, the more those state will automatically be there when you need the skill.
Another problem I see is that too many people try to use rapport as a method of control to make up for their own personal insecurities. If you are trying to us rapport this way then you will never get the kinds of connections you desire.
What happens is that you end up chasing rapport rather than drawing people to you.
Here is what I want you to do. We taught this new part of the rapport stuff at our last seminar but I want you to try a simple version of it.
I want you to go out and just see people. It is a great drill. here are the steps
1 When you look at someone notice what your first thoughts about them are.
2 Then I want you set those thoughts aside and take another look.
3 Now ask yourself, " What if everything I am thinking about them is wrong, what would I see then?"
4 Last, look at them again without all your expectations and pre-judgements about them out of the way.
Now notice, is there anything different from your answers to question one and question 4?
Use this on different kinds of people. The more different the better. kids, old people, gang bangers, housewives, businessmen, attractive people, not so attractive people, rich people, homeless people ect.
The more the better.
Do this and nothing more and let me know your results.
This is why it is so important to use all the skills together. If you have rapport but can never calibrate to the connection then you don;t know what you are seeing or feeling. If you get rapport and don't know how to use vocal influence then it is just a good feeling with no result. If you just know how to do those and don't know how to anchor and elicit states then you are talking and having a good conversation but not setting anything up to get the goal of the conversation.
This is why we have designed our courses the way we have. The skills all fit together and support each other. Just like you wouldn't build one wall and call it a house, it is hard to just have one piece of the puzzle and think you have the whole picture.
If you have the Magical Rapport and are not getting results then you have to find where you are missing a skill. Then learn that skill that supports having rapport.
One last thing......Why the hell is this your first question to me about this! honestly I am on lists every day. If you ever have another question PLEASE ask. I am happy to help people get the results they want. It is what I do and Kim and I love doing it.
Go do it.
Tom
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Re: Tom: if your ears have been burning in the last year,
Posted On Dec 12, 2007 at 11:47 AM
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Hans
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Joined: Mar 28, 2006 Last Visit: May 8, 2008 Posts: 11 e-Points: 12
When it comes to the states you're in when you get rapport, I have found that these work very well:
Relaxed
Enjoyment
Fun
Curious
And offcourse connected
It seems that when you get rapport, a lot of good states come naturally.
Also, I don't step into representations of people anymore. It's more like you pull them into rapport and connect right away. The steps given are indeed practice steps to learn the skill and eventually you can leave them out and just connect.
Hans
Re: Tom: if your ears have been burning in the last year,
Posted On Dec 12, 2007 at 12:03 PM
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TomVizzini
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Joined: Dec 11, 2003 Last Visit: May 16, 2008 Posts: 117 e-Points: 106
Also, I don't step into representations of people anymore. It's more like you pull them into rapport and connect right away. The steps given are indeed practice steps to learn the skill and eventually you can leave them out and just connect.
Hans
Yes Hans and a great point. Once you learn this stuff you no longer have to go through all the steps. You intent to have rapport is good enough pull them in and connect right away.
You are also correct that when you have rapport you have created a fertile environment for good feelings to grow in. They become more natural and take much less effort.
Good to see you
Tom
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honestly I am on lists every day. If you ever have another question PLEASE ask. I am happy to help people get the results they want. It is what I do and Kim and I love doing it. 
