It has been a few days and I realize that because of the holidays this might take longer than just 2 weeks.
I want to focus on something. I want to focus on dealing with pain.
So many motivational skills sets focus on making the pain go away, pushing through the pain or making the pain feel good.
I want to focus on something else. I want to focus on making you people into people who can handle pain.
I want Etienne to walk into a classroom knowing full well that he might do something embarrassing but knowing that he can turn that to his advantage. I want Roger to realize that comfort cannot be your highest priority and still be able to succeed. I want Roberto to stop using counterexamples that trap him and get him stuck in what he is already doing.
Don't bother posting your rationalizations for these actions you guys....They will hall in deaf ears.
That comes from developing one simple belief...." I can handle it"
The first lesson in that is having the ability to here the word....no
Whether it is a date, a raise, a job, a drink or even an clean fork, some people cannot deal with being told no. Such a small word seem to have so many meanings.
So here is today's drill. Think of something you want BUT are afrad you will be told 'no' so you are not asking for.
If you are told 'no', what does that mean about you?
This is not about how you would feel. It is about what it would mean about your identity.
Have fun
Tom
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 10:42 AM
Author
Message
tommalley
New Visitor
Joined: Nov 20, 2007 Last Visit: Jul 22, 2008 Posts: 13 e-Points: 2
If I am told no it means I am stupid. I have considered all the available evidence and still went ahead against all logic.
Who am I to ask for such things and then to be condescendingly told thats just not the way its done.
Drivers : anger, dissapontment, caught
Perhaps?
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 10:44 AM
Author
Message
TomVizzini
Administrator
Joined: Dec 11, 2003 Last Visit: Aug 20, 2008 Posts: 122 e-Points: 109
If I am told no it means I am stupid. I have considered all the available evidence and still went ahead against all logic.
Who am I to ask for such things and then to be condescendingly told thats just not the way its done.
Drivers : anger, dissapontment, caught
Here is a thought....Most successful people went against the evidence and succeeded instead.
Your drivers are about what happens afterwards. What are the drivers of stupid?
Even better...what are the drivers of "Who am I?"
You once asked me what it was that I thought you needed to change.......this is it. This is the thing that keeps you separated from other people even though you appear connected. Your connection is superficial and guarded. You never commit to a real connection because you would be vulnerable. Your fear is of being really connected to someone and being told ...no.
Sting?
Have fun
Tom
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 11:30 AM
Author
Message
jwoodin2
Occasional Guest
Joined: Dec 6, 2006 Last Visit: May 4, 2008 Posts: 30 e-Points: 23
If you are told 'no', what does that mean about you?
This is not about how you would feel. It is about what it would mean about your identity.
Hmmm. Well, hearing "NO" does trigger a feeling, and that feeling is rejection.
What's underneath the feeling of rejection is something in me is inadequate.
NO, your product's not good enough
NO, your answer's not right
NO, I don't want to go with you
NO, you can't do that
==> all because my idea / my product / my thinking / or just *me* is inadequate on some level.
Of course, underneath all that is the belief that people sit in judgement of *me*.
Learning to lose that one.
It also occurs to me that this is why I don't like to SAY No.
I don't want to make people feel bad.
~John
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 11:50 AM
Author
Message
cbelling
New Visitor
Joined: Nov 16, 2004 Last Visit: Mar 3, 2008 Posts: 14 e-Points: 4
Your first question didn't really bring up a response for me. But what you said to tommalley "Your fear is of being really connected to someone and being told ...no"
Wow I am really afraid of that also. If I really connected with someone and was told.. No. I would feel so stupid!
Embarrassed, ashamed, stupid, and hurt, and even angry at myself, beating myself up for being so stupid. For being tricked like a fool.
Shane
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 5:38 PM
Author
Message
branimir
Occasional Guest
Joined: Jul 24, 2005 Last Visit: Aug 15, 2008 Posts: 30 e-Points: 17 Location: Istanbul View All Posts By branimir
This is about talking with the girl I told you about(the one that owns the shop) and things going disasterously. She is ridiculing me and shouting at me to go away. This is really how the NO is like in my mind.
Heres what happens,
I am worthless. I am not worth shit. I am a disgusting person..
She breaks my heart.
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 6:53 PM
Author
Message
brabhobr
New Visitor
Joined: Nov 29, 2007 Last Visit: Aug 20, 2008 Posts: 12 e-Points: 20 Location: Brazil View All Posts By brabhobr
Hi Tom, my debut on this list and accepting the chalenge.
If I am told a no it shows my incapacity to deal with the situation and inability to have a positive answer. It sure causes pain.
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 7:21 PM
Author
Message
reler6
Occasional Guest
Joined: Dec 4, 2004 Last Visit: Aug 10, 2008 Posts: 29 e-Points: 31
So here is today's drill. Think of something you want BUT are afrad you will be told 'no' so you are not asking for.
If you are told 'no', what does that mean about you?
This is not about how you would feel. It is about what it would mean about your identity.
My identity ? It makes me less certain about it in my own mind. I like to think of myself as smart/goodlooking/capable/yada-yada-yada, like we all do. Somebody saying “no” is like somebody saying “no, you're wrong ... idiot !”.
(The effect is also contextual – for example, if I have some authority or respect invested in the person saying “no”, it's much worse, even if it's a little thing. Ditto if I am in “new territory”. Other times, I may just disregard it or give it less weight. Whatever you think of the guy that said it, he had something when he said, “I'm never rejected by a woman, I only find out if she has good taste”.)
The result of all this is a loss of confidence -> pressure to “succeed”. Bad thing I guess.
Roger
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 4, 2007 at 11:13 PM
Author
Message
rusty
New Visitor
Joined: Jun 16, 2004 Last Visit: Mar 16, 2008 Posts: 9 e-Points: 3
It would mean I am not good enough. I have low value. I fucked it up.
Mike
So here I go
Posted On Dec 5, 2007 at 12:16 PM
Author
Message
rvicuna
Occasional Guest
Joined: Feb 3, 2004 Last Visit: Aug 18, 2008 Posts: 35 e-Points: 27 Location: Ciudad de México View All Posts By rvicuna
If I got a No answer (or a rejection) I'd feel I'm a weirdo. Meaning I have upset and freak that people. I'd feel bad because I did something unconsidered and feel exposed as a freak (symptoms: embarrased, humilliated, dizziness).
So, who am I in that moment to feel like that? A ruthless, insensible and sick weirdo who abuse people.
By the way, just as jwoodin, I don't other people to feel like that, that's why it's with effort I said no sometimes.
Haz el bien sin mirar a quién.
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 5, 2007 at 1:48 PM
Author
Message
tommalley
New Visitor
Joined: Nov 20, 2007 Last Visit: Jul 22, 2008 Posts: 13 e-Points: 2
This is a great question and Im getting a lot out of your reply,
Will post in a week about what changes are happening, it makes a lot of sense.
I was talking with Kieran the other day about the very same thing and your either ganging up or its synchronicity in its most beautiful form.
Behaviours and frustrations seem to fit around that very topic.
For I feel it hard to say no and when theres a no I end the relationship, conflict and confrontation are a form of no. Which answers another post I put on the group.
On another note for some reason I am not a member of 3d mind yahoo anymore? 'anchoringman'? maybe its a computer glitch here
Perhaps?
Re: So here we are....
Posted On Dec 5, 2007 at 2:08 PM
Author
Message
TomVizzini
Administrator
Joined: Dec 11, 2003 Last Visit: Aug 20, 2008 Posts: 122 e-Points: 109
Good start moving You are a member of the 3D Mind list. Your account is set to no email. You should be able to sign in. Let me know if there is a problem
Tom
All Times Are Hours
Subscription Plans
Gold Member One Year Membership - Save 40 dollars by getting a One Year Gold Membership
You are a member of the 3D Mind list. Your account is set to no email. You should be able to sign in. Let me know if there is a problem
